© image courtesy of Gasworth!
So a fair amount of information exists on reasons both pro and con for suicide. Let’s presume you’ve already read the The Myth of Sisyphus, and you are on board with killing yourself. Sometimes when I read existential literature, I want to kill myself too, so I can see the rationale.
But now here comes the tough part. How to kill yourself? There are practically millions of ways to do it, and any entrepreneurial person can figure one out, even on a budget. That being said, there are a lot of practicalities to consider.
Number One: Guns!
This is sort of a no brainer, as the primary use for guns is killing people. You can also use a gun as a hammer if you are in a pinch but I don’t recommend it. The problem with guns is that, first of all, they are expensive. Granted, you probably won’t have use for that money when you are dead (I feel like there is a moral in here somewhere) but what if you don’t have that money to begin with? Maybe that’s why you want to kill yourself, because you are poor: totally understandable. Or what if, you are too young to purchase a gun. Then where does that leave you? Alive. And that is unhelpful for your purposes, possibly poor, young friend.
But let’s just say you can afford to purchase a gun.
How to acquire a gun?
You go to your local Wal-Mart, pick out a slender but not too ostentatious version, and then you swipe your debit card, and before Brenda can say paper of plastic, you’ve got yourself a gun. But wait. Isn’t there like a seven day waiting period for buying a firearm? ”What?!” you say to yourself, “How could that be!? It’s just downright un-American!” I know you work hard for your money, or you are successfully living off of someone else, but in this country we have rules. And rules suck. Because within a week, the weather could change, you could see a really good episode of Friends, or buy tickets to a Radiohead show1 that you don’t want to miss, and then next thing you know, you’re back to still being alive.
Argh! So many obstacles!
But let’s be optimistic. Maybe you already have a gun, or even better, your older brother does, and it’s in his bedroom like out of some weird after-school special. So you are back in business.
Where to aim?
Now comes the hard part. Where do you point the barrel? At your temple? In your mouth? If you put it in your mouth does that make you gay? Regardless, in either scenario there are drawbacks. What happens if you miss? I mean, even at point blank range, you might not hit the vital sweet spot to Do the Dew™ and next thing you know, you’re a parapalegic and you have to learn how to talk with your pinky by tapping it in odd increvals intervals, which even at it’s fastest would take you half an hour to say: Have to potty. And by that point, you’ve soiled your pants, and no matter how kind, that hot young nurse is not giving you access to second base, you stupid bed-wetter.
You might as well be dead.
Tomorrow we explore Number Two: Jumping off of tall things!
1Though to be fair, the sound of Thom Yorke’s voice might make you want to kill yourself again.
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