Ok, so another obvious method of killing yourself is the Jumping Off of Tall Things track. One thing we failed to mention in regards to guns is the cleanup factor. Not to be a jerk, but isn’t it just a teensy bit inconsiderate to leave your loved ones one final annoying chore to take care of? If you’ve ever seen Pulp Fiction, apparently cleaning brain and bits of skull is sort of a cluster fuck. But maybe you have no loved ones, hence the suicide idea to begin with. Even still, do you really want to be remembered as the person that Chuck from sanitation was cursing at when he fired up the utility hose?
No, of course you don’t, which is why people have been jumping off of tall things for centuries.
Where to jump?
The benefit of jumping off of a tall thing is that you can do it anywhere and at no cost. And if you are have roommates, it won’t leave a terrible mess that would force the landlord to keep their security deposit. That being said, picking the place to do it is important.
I once was biking across the Brooklyn Bridge, (because I am a badass) and when I got to the top, it was roped off. Apparently some douchebag was threatening suicide, which meant everyone on the bridge had to turn around while the police tried to talk him down. People were livid. Not because they thought he was gonna kill himself, but because while he was going through all the theatrics he was messing up everyone’s commute. Worse still, was the fact that everyone knew he wasn’t going to jump. Why? Because he climbed over the railing with a bag of stuff and was yelling into his phone. Where could you possibly be taking that bag, dude?! Now, if you are a New Yorker, or have ever lived in a major city, you know that the worse thing you can do is interrupt someone’s commute. That’s why New Yorkers hate tourists: they walk so ridiculously slow. And because they wear white socks with sandals, and that’s just a fashion faux pas.
So the real problem with this style of suicide attempt is that depending on where you jump from, you can royally screw up someone’s day. Though, the idea of landing onto your ex’s Hyundai does have some merit. But that comes with a bigger problem:
How high to jump from?
The likelyhood of you even hitting your ex’s car from a distance to guarantee death is pretty slim. Think about wind factors, drag time, and that guy who fell out of a plane, bounced SEVEN times, and lived to talk about it. Do you remember that Time-Life books commercial? I always wondered what his story sounded like. I imagine something like: OWWWWWWW!!!! But that’s just speculation.
This brings up the next point: jumping off of stuff is not a guaranteed hit maker. It is the P. Diddy of suicide attempts. Granted, some of his songs are great, but when they miss, they miss big. Does anyone remember the all girl group Dream? No? Well there is a reason for that. If you jump from a three story building, you might die, BUT you also could just break your legs, unless you are Maggie Gyllenhaal and Batman in The Dark Knight, because then you can fall of a skyscraper and it’s all good. I once saw her in person at my neighborhood coffee shop, and she’s gorgeous. That said, we can all agree that in movies she looks like a pumpkin, right? Why wasn’t she cast as Scarecrow? OMG! That would have been AMAZING!
Tomorrow: Pills! They’re not just boring people.
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