I ran inside of the hotel on the corner and asked the guy behind the desk if they had any tape. He gave me a dirty look, but pulled out a roll just the same. I was paranoid I’d miss her, which is ridiculous, but in my hurry I dropped the paper on the other side of the counter. The clerk behind the desk picked it up and then gave it a once over. He smiled at me for a second, but then handed it back without saying anything. I started to walk away when he called out behind me.
“Her name is Margaret.”
Needless to say, it stopped me dead in my tracks.
•••
I’ve never been the kind of person who takes lots of risks. I had a pretty safe job, doing the grunt actuary work at a large bank. In college I was an Econ. major. Even in high school, I just kept quiet and did what people expected of me. So I was probably more surprised than anyone when I caught myself flipping out at work. Back in the old days, I probably would have just been looked at as crazy, but now, there are all sorts of pyschological terms for what happened. Depending on your point of view, I was either venting, or suffering from work induced stress. But in reality, I just hated my job. I hated getting up in the morning with that cold feeling of dread at the pit of my stomach. I hated riding the train to midtown and being herded like cattle. I hated counting down the minutes of my precious lunch break. And I hated leaving, knowing full well I’d be back the next day.
About three weeks ago, I stopped going to work. Well, I should say, I stopped working. I would show up, but at odd hours, whenever I could get out of bed. 2pm, 3:45. Once I even showed up at 5:59. It was an obvious cause for concern, but at the same time, I was equally as productive, which made it harder to discipline my actions. At first. But by the last day of the week, after I pulled that 5:59 business, I was called in for a review by my manager, and his supervisor, and a representative from HR. They had me go into this long conference room that overlooked the park. And in my younger days I would have probably been excited about all of the pomp and circumstance over little ol’ me. Instead I felt numb, and was angry that my time was being wasted. I’d been at this company for over 6 years, and I’m pretty sure no one knew my last name. It was a wonder anyone even knew my first.
The HR rep offered me some water. I accepted. They spent the next twenty minutes saying how valued as was as “part of the team” and how “my work was really stellar” but for the majority of the time they were talking I just sort of nodded out. From what I was able to glean, they basically just wanted me to cut the shit. And be a regular pion again. And they were so nice about it, it was really easy to agree. I told them I had been having some problems at home (which I wasn’t) and said I appreciated them taking time to really treat me like a person and give me the benefit of the doubt (which again was bullshit). And then I wrapped it up saying that I wouldn’t disappoint them. If I was Japanese I probably would have bowed too.
So in short, the meeting went well. A friend of mine once said, people don’t mind if you are a jerk, as long as you are consistent. For example, if the same guy at the coffee shop I go to is rude to everyone, it’s fine, I just take it at face value. But the one time I saw him be nice to some other random customer, I lost it. Well, not actually. I didn’t really have the balls to “lose it” on him. But I was peeved, nonetheless. With my behavior at work, it was the same thing. If I was always rude, it would have probably been tolerated. But to change, that’s what gets people.
As I was leaving the meeting, I started to have this hollow feeling in my stomach. Like I had completely sold out. And as I was riding the elevator with my manager and the head of HR, my blood started boiling. One of them noticed I had broken out into a sweat and said:
“Some weather we’re having!”
And I screamed out: “No!” right as I hit the emergency button. I was tired of being taken for granted, and for doing the easy thing. I stayed in that elevator yelling at those two men for 45 minutes. Spittle was coming out of my mouth I was so furious. And I never felt more alive.
Of course I was fired, but it was worth it.
I guess what I’m saying is, is that when I saw that woman, who looked so calm, I knew I needed to…well to do something to get what she had. I knew she had answers for me. And when that cloddish overgrown bell boy smiled at me after he said her name…well I was pretty sure I would do whatever it took to get more information out of him. Even if I had to beat it out of him…
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