Before we get started on pills, let’s make a checklist of things to consider:
Price: is your chosen method gonna cost you an arm and a leg? Because if so, you’re getting ripped off. Consider this as an idea: the best things in life are free. Does this apply to your method?
Ease of use: Let’s face it, if it’s too difficult, your probably gonna give up like you did with that ikea shoe nook. Suicide shouldn’t take all day, nor should it give you a headache. What’s the point of choosing the easy way out if it’s a pain in the butt?
Pain factor: Is it gonna hurt? A lot? For a long time? This sounds a lot like life. If your alternative to life is painful, and does’t involve awesome things like cookies and naps, why bother?
Cleanup: This is only for the hyper considerate, but vanity can also play a part. If you shit yourself, will it have the desired effect of showing that certain someone how much they screwed up by letting you go? If there is vomit everywhere, will it detract from how much people will miss you? Yes. It will.
Does it require Assistance?: Assisted suicides are a wonderful idea in theory. They teach collaboration, team building, and in some cases, raise self-esteem. There is nothing more rewarding than working together to accomplish a difficult task. But in practical terms, will you be able to find someone reliable? Take into consideration how hard it is to get people to come through with helping you move apartments. Now multiply that by a factor of five. Any idiot who is willing to help you take your precious life, more often than not is a burnout. When was the last time you remember a burnout showing up on time for an important task?
Pills, a comparative study
When it comes to the pain factor, pills seem to rank the lowest, thus a seemingly excellent choice in your arsenal of suicide tools. First of all the are easy to get access to, don’t involve physical mutilation, like razor blades and guns, and the end result won’t make you shit yourself like a noose would. Also, who knows how to tie a noose? I can barely tie a tie. And with nooses, or nice (what is the plural for nooses? noose?) they also require you to find something that will sufficiently hold your weight. That involves finding a stud, and often, the use of power tools. And then next thing you know, you’re getting ripped off by a general contractor, and waiting months for the work to be completed. Yuck.
But with pills all you have to do is pop them, right? Wrong. What kind of pills?1 Proactive? Diet? Birth control? And how many of each? Bare in mind that if you take too few pills, you’ll probably just get sick. And with too many pills your body will immediately reject them, which brings us back to the cleanup factor. How humiliating is it to have to mop up your own vomit along with your dignity. Pretty bad right? Right.
How can you counter act this? By studying up on your medicine. But this sounds suspiciously like work. And work that won’t pay you. Are you going to be a slave to your own suicide? That seems pretty stupid. Not only are you losing a life, but on practical terms, your paying to do it. In these tough financial times, it seems both wasteful and negligent to throw away a perfectly good life, especially above cost. If you have to pay money to kill yourself, then the terrorist have won.
1You can also make the mistake like I did at age 13 and try to OD on vitamin C. The only thing that happened was my urine turned super yellow and I didn’t get sick for 6 months.
Up next: The perfect method! (And a note on notes).